I am Apparently Radioactive.

And cheesy. ha-HA! Get it? Get it?! Allow me to spin a tale for you of a young man who bit into a clump of radioactive cheese. The very next day, he awoke to the feeling of bacteria processing him and found himself to be coagulated and acidified. The bizarrely large amount of rennet in his body led to the production of carbon dioxide and soon he was covered in holes. He became a curious mixture of cheddar, swiss, and Pepper Jack. It was then that he decided to use his unspeakable repulsiveness to perform good deeds under the cover of darkness. He began to help the weak and vanquish evil. But then he was defeated by his greatest foe, Hungry Homeless Guy. This man could have been any of us, but not me since I very rarely eat mac-and-cheese, and in fact, the only cheese I eat on a regular basis would be the cheese on a pizza or the cheese in ravioli. That’s about it. I’m not what you would call a cheese lover.

Honestly, I am a very unhealthy eater. As long as it tastes good, it’s fine by me. Berkeley has changed my palette a little, just by virtue of all the HEALTHFOODS that abound through the university community, but I’m proud to say that I never exercise, and I still enjoy a large order of french fries, not from McDonald’s though. Oh, and I can’t really take Jack-in-the-Box, either. Something about those two fast-food joints just really makes me nauseous. I was a vegetarian for the past two months (long story, don’t ask) and I ended up eating a ton of microwave meals at campus dining locations, as Mimi can tell you. I find it ironic that preserved, frozen foods were the only options for me when I was a vegetarian, on account of it supposedly being healthy for you. I suppose I could have put more effort into the process and actively looked for vegetarian meals, but I do love chicken. ‘Cause it’s DELICIOUS.

~Tirumari

Yum yum.

Okay, admittedly I’m not actually THAT conscious about what I eat. Sure, I like to cook fresh now and again (now that I have my own apartment, thank GOD!), but that doesn’t mean that I don’t break out on buffalo wings, pizza bites, top ramen, and other stuff that is, quite frankly, hazardous to my health. That being said however, you’d really be shocked in what they put in stuff that is supposedly healthy. Take bread for instance. Modern day marvel, really. Light, compact, full of nutritious carbohydrates (despite what the Atkin’s people say, we really do need them for energy…), grain, and generally all good stuff, right?

Well, that was true maybe a few hundred years ago, but nowadays we have a desperate need to extend the shelf life of this little baby and so, we resort to adding preservatives to the damn things including bleach.

That’s right, the same stuff you use to clean the lovely stuff that builds up in the toliet and sink and that would literally burn your insides is found inside something you probably eat on almost a daily basis.

Now okay, granted, this is a Wikipedia article without references, so even I was a little suspicious until I ran across this. Yeah, that’s right, eat your heart out ‘cuz the UK is eating toilet cleaner and probably, considering that we are pretty alike, so are we. Delicious.

On top of that, I’ve got people coming up to me on the streets showing me pictures of the admittedly horrible, horrible conditions livestock in this country is treated in. Granted, I don’t agree with it ethically, but considering the health needs of the people and the overall demand from the population of western INDUSTRIALIZED civilization (hint, hint), it’s not so much a question of morals as it is of economics, efficiency, and plain old biological need. Sure, meat=guilt, but at least my brain won’t start shrinking when I’m older. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not about the person haranguing on the street persay, it’s the reality that bugs me the most.

In other words, as someone most famously put it, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”.

Thus, between all the various groups haranguing me about the ethics of what we eat and the potential hazards of ingesting in general, I’ve come to one inescapable conclusion:

I should never eat anything, ever again.

P.S. Although I don’t share his views, I do love Deadpool, so much.

~Darren